Dear Landon,

This is not a birthday card.

This is an apology.

You are like me in that you find birthdays to be more bitter than sweet. Perhaps this is their way of emulating life. Unlike coffee and wine, it is a taste we have yet to acquire. I understand why you are hesitant to celebrate violence. I do not blame you for no longer believing in birthday wishes or prayer.

Like I said, this not a birthday card.

This is a thank you note.

You are like me in that you have mastered the art of making others feel found despite being lost. You have always known how to walk people home regardless of if you are stumbling, how to be gentle with others even if you are reckless with yourself. I recognize how many mountains you have moved to make the world bigger for yourself and the people you love. I am a writer but even I do not know how to thank someone for somehow making the world feel both bigger and less lonely.

Landon, this is not a birthday card.

This is a love letter and a promise and a dream.

You are like me in that despite everything, the nothingness, the not enough; you have yet to cease striving for more. We joke about our height difference like the texts we exchange late at night, an unwavering existence of honesty, dressed down to appear casual and fleeting. Just like how sadness is still a confession even if you laugh about it in the morning, I hope you know that we could be the exact same height and I would still look up to you. The view is beautiful and hopeful and bright.

I hope you know that 25 looks good on you but so did 24 and so will 26. I hope you know what a privilege it has been and will be to adore you through all three.

Love,

Grace